time is meaningless.

I know this is paradise.
The sun does arise
On the destructive system that shall need
The wretch who makes another’s life his prey

Behold the man that loved and lost
He is lean and he is sick.
Beneath the fatal tree
Soon spreads the dismal shade

Cruelty has a human heart
And it bears the fruit of Deceit
In darkness lost, the darkness of the grave
Thy immortality Broods like the day.

There will be time to murder and create;
To dance with death, to beat the ground.

new

tattoos

i cant wait to get tattooed hopefully next week. i love the feeling oddly enough and i love the meaning behind the process of getting it. it has to mean something to me it does mean something to me. it is me making a commitment to that thought or feeling that provoked the tattoo. it is me making a commitment to myself to always remember that time of my life.

Halo.

Goddamn.

My reflection is eerie as it ripples and pulses with the pond.

The moon is haloed tonight.

The full moon is out yet the water is dark, almost black and ice covers the shallowest parts of it. My chattering teeth are quite distracting but it makes it easy to forget about my shaking hands. It’s hard to swallow when your really cold and so many things are going through your mind. It seems peculiar that things other than the present human condition would come to mind in such a situation.

I try to blow smoke rings and am unsuccessful but I don’t give up for another 5 minutes at least. My breathing and shaking is more controlled now.

I am ready. Everything is set.

With one step forward I feel the water rush in between my toes. The deep, bitter breath drawn from my lungs. The shiver that travels up and down my crooked spine. With two feet in I manage to forget that they even exist. I press forward through the cold. Waist deep, I pause to fight my body for breath and warmth.

I sink.

I remember the last time we were here. You said you would always be here with me. I feel you everywhere and see you in everything that I do.

I emerge gasping for breath that I never seem to find. My shoes are like cement on my feet as I shake my way out of the black grabbing every step of the way.

I lie down.

The moon is high now and soon the sky will burst with color as it did that night. The stars will disappear and everything will be okay. That night burns bright in my mind, a night much like tonight actually. It is a bit colder now though, you’re not here to warm my feet. It just kind of happened didn’t it? we just ended up here, talking to the stars about what they held for us. We forgot about everything except you and I.

Nothing else matters.

I shake uncontrollably now. The sharp stabs of pain have made their way to my thighs and biceps. I fight for consciousness as my eyelids grow heavy, thick with frozen tears. Some clouds hide the moon now but I can still see its halo. It is as if you are still by my side reflecting light from your eyes on this hollow chest of mine.

You were so beautiful in your dress. I could not stop smiling and I didn’t give a shit if anybody noticed. It was you and I alone. No one else is real. I remember the vivid blue that your eyes used to be-- the way that you smiled and laughed at everything I said. There was never a coldness about you. You were about me and I was about you. Love for love.

Life for Life.

You are not here tonight. It has been some time since you have been here actually. I miss your touch. The warmth that it brought me. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you my wife, my dear, my love.

By the time that they find me here we will be swimming together in the sun and dancing on the moon.

life

its funny how things change over time for better and for worse. you make friends and you lose them. you lose them to themselves, to girlfriends, to drugs, to gods. life seems to take away everything that is important at one point in time and replace it with something else. the importance of that substitute is yet to be determined. it remains undetermined until we realize that it is gone,

forever.

the complexity of things is rather simple.

time ruins all.

bodies begin to shut down and brains begin to wander.

hearts refuse to beat and lungs resist their breathing.

eyes grow dim as hair grows thin.

and we still smile.

we smoke to slow our breathing.

we drink to cloud our brains.

we love to make it through the night.

after driving an hour to see some friends and half of them sitting in a car getting fucked up the entire night i am bitter

naturally i want to bury this feeling with narcotics but i withhold.

it is just another thing that tells me i need to get the hell out of SC and start over with my wife.

chelsea, you are strong, you can win.

Rachel, you are my love and i will never stop thinking about you. ever or stop loving you. you have my heart and i wear my ring proudly. thank you :)

Adventures 2