life

its funny how things change over time for better and for worse. you make friends and you lose them. you lose them to themselves, to girlfriends, to drugs, to gods. life seems to take away everything that is important at one point in time and replace it with something else. the importance of that substitute is yet to be determined. it remains undetermined until we realize that it is gone,

forever.

the complexity of things is rather simple.

time ruins all.

bodies begin to shut down and brains begin to wander.

hearts refuse to beat and lungs resist their breathing.

eyes grow dim as hair grows thin.

and we still smile.

we smoke to slow our breathing.

we drink to cloud our brains.

we love to make it through the night.

after driving an hour to see some friends and half of them sitting in a car getting fucked up the entire night i am bitter

naturally i want to bury this feeling with narcotics but i withhold.

it is just another thing that tells me i need to get the hell out of SC and start over with my wife.

chelsea, you are strong, you can win.

Rachel, you are my love and i will never stop thinking about you. ever or stop loving you. you have my heart and i wear my ring proudly. thank you :)

Adventures 2

Adventures 1

A Song for Milly Michaelson

Well you know I hardly speak
When I do, it's just for you
I haven't said a word in weeks
Cause they've been keepin' me from you

There's a way where there's a will
You know I got no need for stairs
Step out on the window sill
Fall with me into the air

Here we go, hold on tight and don't let go
I won't ever let you fall
I love the night, flying over these city lights
But I love you most of all

And there's something you should know
Girl you should have died that day
and you fell reaching for the rose
but baby I was there to save you

So, here we go, hold on tight and don't let go
I won't ever let you fall
I love the night, flying over these city lights
But I love you most of all

Here we go, hold on tight and don't let go
I won't ever let you fall
I love the night, flying over these city lights
But I love you most of all

anagram_octopus.jpg

i think there comes a time in peoples lives where they are so far from themselves that they lose themselves in the desperate search to find what they're looking for.

to me; this must be one of those times.

-Dash Snow

i would like to swing dance

and play the blues.

contenment

as i sit here glancing up between paragraphs, while revising a paper, i am happy.

happy to hear the rain drip from the trees and onto the soggy leaves fallen by yesterday's wind.

i am happy knowing that soon my wife will be home to eat dinner with me before work.

i am happy.

i am happy at the thought, not too distant of a dream, that soon my life will be mostly centered around the reading and revising of papers.

paper and pens will be used by the hundreds and all to endorse my happiness. things done by me and for me, for my benefit. what a lovely sound that makes in my mind.

i am happy.

i am happy to be content with my life.

i love it.

i am now a man

saturday i went to a funeral and did not cry. this is the first time this has happened since my friend jordan died when i was a junior in high school. the last funeral i attended was the worst. to this day, even almost a year later, i still have random moments of sadness where in i cannot control myself and breakdown into tears. i miss my friend greatly and will continue to miss him greatly. thanks to him i feel i am who i am. he was an influence and a mentor of sorts. he was a great man and everyone that knew him will agree.

thank you caleb for everything. i miss you and love you man.

my lack of tears shed has made me question the changes that have occurred in my life and ponder their long-term affects. am i now a man that can develop nor hold an emotional attachment to friends due to my fear of losing them. im sorry i cannot beat this fear and i hold on to no hope that i will ever be able to beat it.

i have a lot of film being processed and i can not wait to get it back!

hopefully they will turn out okay. excited either way though haha

holga movie

beautiful translation of love in action.

"More often than not, we'd just breath into our separate receivers.

'Are you still there?'

'I'm here.'

'Good. Don't hang up.'

'I wont.'"

-David Sedaris

i found this image on flickr. i like it.

its taken with a holga camera. i have the same kind of camera

What was it like knowing that you'd never say goodbye?

what was it like making the decision

to leave us all confused and helpless

did your hands shake

were they steady as usual

were you smiling or crying

when you saw our faces in your mind

for the very last time.

thank g-d

Now I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you

To a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before

I know this room, I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know

What's really going on below

But now you never show it to me, do you?

And remember when I moved in you

The holy dove was moving too

And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain

I don't even know the name

But if I did, well really, what's it to you?

There's a blaze of light

In every word

It doesn't matter which you heard

The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though

It all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Baneful Beast

This is by an artist that i met at the crafty-feast here in columbia. i really like his work and you should check out their site- theblakmarket.com

enjoy today for tomorrow could hold something ugly. enjoy each other.

those people by the river are all lost

is it better to exist or to not exist?

sometimes, as a human being, i wonder whether or not i truly am what i want to be? am i just a product of my environment? did i truly have any ruling as to how my life would turn out?

-dont get me wrong here, i am completely happy with my wife and the direction i/we are headed in our lives. before i know it we will be out-right adults teaching and functioning in 'adult' society. thats scary.

back to what i was saying; am ' I ' truly what i am supposed to be? i know i am not the only person who ever feels this way. life is crazy. i guess i will never truly know what i am 'supposed' to be but i will always do what makes me happy and what is right to me.

who can say what they want to be isnt what our environments have influenced us to want?

is it good to be seen or good to invisible?